Griffins Birth Story

As I sit in the quiet that is after 8pm when both my babies are tucked in bed, and I'm thinking about how this last week of maternity leave just isn't enough I realized I need to write Finns birth story. Before I'm back to work, before life gets too busy and crazy because well, I now live with 3 boys and the laundry never quits. I am racking my brain to remember every single detail of this very special boys labor and delivery. This pregnancy and birth meant more to me than I ever thought it could. This pregnancy and birth was a miracle, defied the odds, put medicine and Drs to shame, and truly rocked my soul in a million ways. To my sweet boy Griffin, you have no idea how glad I am that you're here. Mumma waited so long for you, and I'd wait another lifetime had I'd known how good it would feel to have you in my arms and kiss your chubby cheeks. My sweet, snuggly miracle baby.

Griffin Wolfgang Brooks born at Providence Birth Center on February 12, 2015 at 11:57 pm. It might sound like something a mother shouldn't say, but Finns birth meant something completely different to me than Maxs birth did. We conceived Max without trying, a fun weekend of fun in the sun and drinks on the decks is all that took, but Finn was another story. We started trying for Finn on our wedding night (September 2013) and almost an entire year and 3 losses later I FINALLY conceived and was blessed to bring earth side our beautiful baby boy. Carrying him past my first trimester was the first goal. And even once that goal was accomplished I was still petrified at every single midwifery appointment after. Every loss took a piece of my HUGE mamas heart with them. Even though some may say it's not really a "baby" or "its natures way" or any other "I'm just trying to make you feel better crap" saying, it still rocks you to the core. When you are made up of a billion mama cells like I am, and all you've ever wanted is a house full of babies like I do, losing even just one little soul before I ever met them killed me. I was completely dedicated to getting pregnant no matter what it took, which led us after the 3rd back to back loss to fertility specialists. After a lot of testing and making our appointment for IUI (intrauterine insemination) I knew we were well on our way to baby #2 (which for me would be pregnancy #6). But to our SURPRISE and utter disbelief 2 weeks before our appointment something told me I was already pregnant. Sure enough and thankfully we were able to cancel our IUI appointment and crossed our fingers and toes that this baby knew that Mama couldn't handle another loss that year.

I remember my first midwife appointment with Gretchen (who delivered Maximus) and she came jumping up and down into the office. She knew about our previous losses (3 back to back and 1 a year before Max). She found his heartbeat immediately after we hugged and shed tears for a few minutes. She told me she knew it would be ok. That I would carry him to term and then deliver that beautiful baby boy at 37 weeks 6 days gestation in the end. I counted every single day as one step closer to meeting that healthy boy. It seems strange to think that had I not lost those babies I would've never met him and had the chance to be his Mumma. The universe knew his sweet little soul was meant for me, and we were meant for him.

The week of Finns birthday I knew he was coming. I was already 3cm dilated, he was in the proper position and sitting really low. I knew I could will him earth side just the same way I willed out his brother. With a little sweet talk, some spicy Ezells, and a few walks I made it happen. When I woke up to Dustins alarm clock that Thursday morning I felt my contraction. It was the real deal, making my body breathe through it. As Dustin got ready for his work day I walked the house in disbelief that today could be the day. Sure enough I told Dustin he couldn't leave for work, that my contractions were 7 minutes apart and painful. We called a friend to come take Max to school and we headed to the birth center. They told me my contractions were far enough apart that I could go back home, labor there until things progressed. I was 4cm then and we came home to spend the day willing this little boy out. We walked our beach, went to lunch, took a nap, put on a movie and started to make pizza. Sure enough around 5pm I couldn't speak through contractions, they were around 3 minutes apart now. Dustin wrapped his pizza in a paper towel and we headed back to the birth center. I was 5-6cm now and because of the slow labor that morning they made us walk the halls for a while. I wanted a natural labor and delivery, but was begging for the birth tub. I knew it would ease the pain and help me relax. Finally after having a huge contraction beside the on call midwifes office door she came out to see how I was doing.  Her name was Anne and we hadn't met her before. I had no idea that she would end up being the BEST midwife, an angel really to me in my insanely quick delivery that was about to happen.

Once we made our way to our room, and getting in to the tub I was doubting my ability to go natural. There's this time in labor called transition, and anyone who's had a natural labor knows, it's when your so close, it's about to happen, but the fear in you kicks in. You actually wonder if it will ever end, if you could just die from this pain. I was at 8cm, we had broken my water out of the tub and I climbed back in but I decided they should call anesthesia. I couldn't possibly wait what could be hours more for Finn to arrive. I stayed in the tub a while longer while the nurse put my IV in my hand for fluids. Anne would trickle hot water down my back during each contraction, and it helped so much. I had to leave the tub and get in at least 1 bag of fluids before I could get an epidural, so into the bed I went.

Id say it was around 11:20 now, contractions harder than ever, and I was convinced that no one called anesthesia. I thought my midwife really wanted to let me go natural because it was my initial decision, and she didn't want me to fail. I remember yelling at her that she was lying about calling them because it was taking so long. She rubbed my arms and back convincing me that they would be there soon. Sure enough the anesthesiologist walked into the room, guaranteeing me relief soon. I sat on the edge of the bed while she prepped my back, screaming through contractions, looking my nurse in the eyes telling her I think I might die. And all of a sudden I felt him, and I knew he was coming whether we were ready for his arrival or not. I yelled to everyone that he was coming, that I felt him and Anne reminded me that she had just checked me and I was still only 8cm, that it was just the pressure. I completely disregarded the needle that had just entered my spine, and laid back with just enough time to scream through a contraction as Finn entered the world. The anesthesiologist had administered the epidural but not in enough time to put medicine into it (which is hysterical to me now). Had I just focused all of that energy wanting her to come, and worrying that she wasn't, into relaxing and trusting my body a little bit more I could've skipped over some of that drama. But that's life, and that's labor for you.

At 11:57pm, 3 minutes before Friday the 13th, Finn had arrived. He was a tiny 5 pounds and 13oz, over a pound smaller than his brother. He had his 10 fingers and toes, the best cowlick to his hair that Id ever seen, and he was perfect. PERFECT.

Anne apologized profusely for not having the time to guide Dustin to deliver, like he did with Max. She said she barely had her gloves on when he came out. We both realized everything happened so quickly we never started the video camera either. But that was my first of many lessons of Baby #2, in that time flies and you would forget your own head if it wasn't attached, and I wouldn't want it any other way.

Back to work for me next week and I'm not looking forward to leaving my babies. These past 12 weeks have been absolutely amazing, exhausting, full of love and bonding. I'm so lucky.... so so lucky.

XOXO
Mumma to the Max AND FINN!!!!!!!

Love letter to my 3 1/2 year old Maximus

Dear Max, my crazy lover boy,

Im writing you this letter (which should have been written around your birthday), but instead it is coming a bit late due to the crazyness and excitement that has gone on in our house since your last bday.  *which also reminds me that we need a 3rd birthday blog post* :)

My goal is to have a love letter to you every year for or around your birthday to fill you in on the things we have done in the year, the accomplishments you've made and changes I've been able to see right before my eyes. You have changed SO much since I first started this blog for you.

Taking you through life from age 2 to age 3 and now a few months beyond has been incredible. There have been alot of ups and downs, tips and turns, tired tearful nights, laughing so hard our stomachs hurt, great trips and visits from friends and family, tears of happiness watching you grow, and the heartache and thrill that came along with giving you the new title of Big Brother! This year of being 3 for you is going to continue to be just incredible!

Big Brother huh?! I cant even believe it! It took a long time, a lot of patience and acceptance, and I know you are going to rock the title so well once Finn arrives. I always knew you would be a big brother, no matter what! I am nervous for you, hoping that all goes smoothly. I know you slightly grasp that a baby is coming, we call him "your brother", he has a room in our house just waiting for him that Mumma doesn't let you destroy just yet, but what will this all really mean in a few weeks? Even I'm not sure. I know we will have some rough patches, learning how to be a family of 4 instead of 3, but I think you will love it...eventually. I know your Dad and I will.

Please know that you will always be our baby, our #1,  our first everything, even when it doesn't feel like it. Bedtime stories might get cut short, nap time might be noisy, and Mumma might be too tired to chase you outside sometimes, but you will have a BROTHER! And one day, when you get to boss him around, make him clean up your mess, and get to blame the red crayon on the bedroom wall on Finn, it will make it all worth it!

So let me fill you in on some of the fun things we have done!

We had a blast at our beach house for the wedding! September 2013

You were the most handsome boy there!

First time in a pool for Ellies bday! January 2014

Endless trips to play places around Seattle!

We hosted an Easter party with REAL bunnies for you and your friends! April 2014

And a Christmas party with gingerbread decorating! Dec 2014

Endless playdates with Ellery and Auntie!

Bumpa visited us for a week! September 2014

And DeeDee before that!

You shock us daily with your vocabulary, and knock knock jokes! Everyone absolutely LOVES to be around you! Your empathy and love blow me away. I think Daddy and I are doing an alright job with this parenting thing because you are just. so. amazing. 

Current Favs:

Food- Pizza "like the ninja turtles"

Movie- "Jack the Pumpkin King" 

Words- "Poop and Stupid" (we are working on the potty talk lately)

Place-"Playdate SEA, PlayHappy Cafe, backyard, any park, OUR beach- Edmonds"

I love you to the moon and back. We are about the have some big changes our way, but its going to be just fine! So glad you're mine. XO

Love, Mumma